Every step is a step...

The last couple of months have been nothing but a giant question mark. A shitstorm if you will. So here we are in the middle of a global pandemic and that's when I finally get the courage to step outside of my life and see it for what it is (substantially unfulfilling). That's when I decide to take ownership of my happiness. What insanity is this?

If you've been reading along since post number one, you know that I've been on a bit of a journey of self-discovery since I turned 30. First, I moved to Atlanta. I did a whole lot of talking about things I wanted to change and then I made exactly zero of those changes. So, of course, I ended up just living the same exact life 850 miles away from the people that make me happiest. Genius, eh?

Fast forward two years. I packed up all over again and have now moved back into my childhood home - which happens to be located right between a farm and what others would call a quaint little town. I have no idea what I am doing and no idea what I want to be doing. All I know is that I didn't want what I had. It so happens that what I had was a stable career and money to pay my bills (did you know the bills still come when you don't have a job? - go figure). And so the last two months have been a gradual set-in of panic while applying to every and any job that might take a chance on me. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed looking at my finances that I stay one click away from applying to another teaching job. Because it feels safe and easy and I know it works. And you know what happens when I have those moments? This crazy little spark comes from the universe ... hope. Just when I am about to throw my hands up, I get an interview.

I took a job as an Amazon Delivery Driver. Y'all. I WAS SO EXCITED. I had been thinking about being a delivery driver for some time. I'd see them driving around in their vans just minding their own business, delivering the packages, and just enjoying quality time with themselves. What a dream. I did the training, got all comfortable with the whole driving a big van thing and started the job. Wanna know what happened next? I quit. After five days of delivering, I realized I was never going to like it and (with encouragement from all of my favorite humans) I said adios to Amazon. I had never ever done that before - i've never left a job before the one year mark let alone doing it before the one week mark. But I was positively miserable. I was worried, but I knew that I hadn't given up my career to land in a job that didn't give me even the slightest amount of joy. I had to remind myself that I was looking for more than contentment and that it was okay to just believe everything would fall into place. The same day I sent the email to the manager for Amazon, I received an interview request from Troeg's Brewing Company. There it was again just when I needed it. Hope.

I had a great interview with the taproom managers at the brewery and they explained that the position would be as a part-time food runner. I'd take food from the kitchen to the patrons and would receive a base rate as well as tips. It isn't the highest paying gig, or the one that is going to get me to where I am trying to be. But it's a job, in an atmosphere I love, with really wonderful people, and it makes enough to pay the bills on a very tight budget. I've been there for just over a month now and honestly, if I didn't need more money - i could definitely just do this for more than a few years. It's fun, it's easy, and I get discounted beer. That's a win in my book. Just as i'm starting to figure out how to make this part-time income work while i'm searching for something more permanent, we get a reminder from the Governor that we are still in a pandemic. A ban on indoor dining. You know what that means? Even fewer customers and thus, even fewer tips. We are still working and trying to survive off of the outdoor dining, but it's winter in PA y'all. It's snowing and we are asking people to eat outside.

On top of that, I had been on track to go get my CrossFit Level 1 certification so that I could potentially start coaching at my gym (spend money to save money mentality). The training was rescheduled for February. Another "please hold" from the universe.

The struggle returns.

I've still been applying to every job under the sun. Anybody looking for an administrative assistant? I haven't quite figured out what it takes to get hired (or even just an interview at this point), but i'm moving forward each day. I'm still writing, still trying to stay motivated to get some coding in from time to time, still working out, and still finding ways to grow every day. And that feels like something. It's something, right?

Here's the lesson. The take away. What keeps me keepin' on.

Sometimes it feels like everything is working against productivity. Like the universe wants you to just accept your right now and settle for contentment. It's all in our heads. It's fear. Don't be afraid to be in a little bit of limbo. Everything is going to be okay. Stay hopeful. Stay open to growth in whatever form it comes at you. As long as you keep moving towards a goal (even if it's at turtle speed), the goodness - no, the greatness, will come. I whole-heartedly believe this. Shit, I have to. Because if I let myself sit in self-pity for even one more second of my life - i'll never find the fulfillment i've been working towards. I'm not willing to give up on myself. You shouldn't be either.

Do something today that makes you feel good. Something that helps you grow, in any way, big or small. In the words of the famous TikTok-er, Scott D. Henry, "be better".

You got this.