I don't have anything to say

I didn't come here today to pour my heart out. In fact, I don't even know what I'm going to write about. I just wanted to take a minute so here I am.

My last post got 9 views.

I think I know who "my readers" are, but it's interesting to think about anyways. The post on my dad's birthday has 77 views. My average is about 30. My max is 298, but i'm pretty sure people just went there for the picture. I know, I know ... who cares?

But ... whoever the nine of you are, thanks for sticking around.

My feelings have been very unapproachable lately. It's like I went from a billion, intercrossing, overwhelming, unidentifiable feelings to just nothing. The only thing I know I am ... is lonely. I miss my friends. I miss my mom. I miss feeling like someone wants to be around me, just for the hell of it. I miss being invited places and the excitement that comes with knowing someone was thinking of you. And I am so tired of begging for attention. All I do is work and go to the gym. Then slowly disintegrate as the sun shines beautifully outside my window. Okay, that's a bit dramatic. But the point is, I'm so over it.

I know what you're thinking. "So what are you doing about it". And you know what? Nobody asked for your opinion. But I have gone on a few dates - none leading to a second one though (confidence issue on my end maybe? we'll unpack that another day). I have tried hanging around at both of my jobs being friendly to my co-workers. Honestly, all I want is someone to do nothing with ... is that too much to ask?

And today I got to thinking about this damn city. This place that is so stinkin' far from the people that do choose me, even when I am not there. Fun fact: I have not lived in the same place for more than two years, consecutively, since I was in college. It is no secret that I don't like it here. Don't get me wrong, when it's good, it's breathtakingly good. But it doesn't feel like home. And the reasons I moved here in the first place seem to have just vanished into thin air.

Idk. I just want to feel wanted. I want to know what it's like to have your friend show up at your apartment with a bottle of wine, just because. And I want to be able to be that friend to the people I care about. I want to get off of work after a long day and have someone to meet for happy hour. I want to have a reason not to work every weekend. And someone to cook dinner for. I want to go on spontaneous road trips and spend Sundays day drinking. I want to laugh and explore ... and live. But not all alone.

And that's all I have for today folks. A little pity party in writing. I know, so cute *eye roll*.

I write this post a lot. I say this a lot. And so today I am going to make you a promise. Because this sad sack thing is really starting to get on my nerves. The next blog I write is going to be something good. Something happy. I'm going to go out and find something to give me that.

Wish me luck. <3